Grover Norquist in Private Conversation with Tea Party Republican

(This is satire; we cannot be certain this conversation actually occurred)

Here's a transcript of a recent conversation between Grover Norquist and a groveling Tea Party Republican Congressman.

GN -- Grover Norquist

TR -- Tea Party Republican

GN: Yea

TR: Uh, hello, is this Mr. Norquist?

GN: Yea

TR: Um, oh wow, thanks for taking my call Sir, I loved the speech you had playing while I waited, inspiring... Anyway, let me say first that I really appreciate your help with getting me elected to congress in 2010.

GN: Yea, well, it's all about The Pledge. Like I always say, sign the pledge, win the primary, win the general; keep the pledge, win re-election.

TR: Um, yes, I think The Pledge was helpful to my winning the primary and once I won that, well, South Carolina is always going to vote for the republican in the General election. So, really, the name of the whole game is to get that small group of conservative republicans on your side to win the primary...

GN:Yea, and the pledge is what it's all about.

TR: Um, yea, well, speaking of The Pledge, that's actually what I'm calling about

GN: Yea, how so?

TR: Well, you see, some of us are beginning to feel like maybe The Pledge is becoming a problem.

GN: No

TR: Um, well, actually, the thing is that people are starting to say that rich people should pay more in taxes. I don't agree of course, but the darn liberals are really building up this class warfare stuff by telling people how the rich have never been richer -- at a time when we have record people on foodstamps, homeless, foreclosed on, unemployed, etc. So, times are hard and getting harder and instead of the government helping out, we are cutting government services as well. They blabber on about how the rich pay a lower overall tax rate than the middle class and how tax rates for the wealthy and overall tax receipts were higher back in "the good old days."

GN: Look, I'm about to puke here

TR: I know, I know. It's hogwash of course. I don't listen to any of it.

GN: Good. Then what the problem?

TR: Well, I don't know if you follow the polls, but the Republican Congress is the most unpopular congress ever and Tea Party approval rates areum, not good.

GN: So, we gunna just let the liberals win.

TR: No, No, of course not. That's why I'm calling.

GN: Go on.

TR: Well, it seems to some of us that maybe we should just go along with rolling back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

GN: Sacrilege!

TR: Well, the thing is, if we don't do something, we risk losing it all.

GN: What do you mean?

TR: Well, we risk having the liberals win the next election and heck who knows what they'll do. They might go back to the tax rates we had in the 50's.

GN: Never.

TR: Yea, well Grover, if they win that could happen.

GN: Silence.

TR: Sir?

GN: Don't ever call me "Grover."

TR: Oh, I'm sorry, Sir, Grover, um I mean Sir Norquist, um, I mean Mr., Mr. Norquist

GN: That's better. So, you want me to release you from your pledge?

TR: Yes, yes, release all of us. If you do, we promise to only vote for this one, teeny, weeny tax increase. We'll just roll back the bush tax cuts for the wealthy. That means they'll just pay a few percent more on amounts above a million net -- so, that's after all the deductions, etc. At the end of the day, it probably won't affect many of our people at all. But, it will take that weapon away from the liberals. And, we can go back to the way things were -- with most Americans not knowing much about who pays what in taxes. If we don't do this, if we let the liberals keep pounding us on this one issue, we could lose the whole ball game. In fact, I recently had a group that calls themselves "christian" come to my office to talk about this rich vs poor issue. We've got to get rid of it!

GN: Do you think I'm stupid?

TR: No Sir, of course not.

GN: Do you think I never thought about this?

TR: I dunno.

GN: You don't know.

TR: Right, I don't know. Should I...

GN: Look, I've discussed this with those who sent me and they won't do it. I've told them they risk losing the whole game. They don't believe it. They are sure with the money they send to people like Rove and me -- that we can adequately "educate" the American people before the election.

TR: You mean confuse them? (laughing)

GN: No, no, educate them about how the Muslims and gays and abortionists are coming to get their children, that sort of thing. It always works -- at least with enough people (laughter).

TR: Well, it's a hell, I mean heck of a risk. So, you are saying we can't vote to raise taxes on the wealthy by even on penny -- even if the liberals agree to cut everything?

GN: That's right, not one red cent.

TR: Wow, OK Sir, I'll let the others know.

GN: Good.

TR: Again, I appreciate everything.

GN: I know you do, my boy, I know you do. Don't worry, the committee will be in touch with your campaign.

TR: It's been great speaking personally with you, Sir.

GN: Click.